The low, soft grumble of the sleeping pile of fur calms the quiet room. Curled up on the dark blue afghan on the back of the couch, her little paws move and stretch, her ears twitching. She’s the only movement in the cozy living room.
A window in the farthest corner of the room glows with a tangerine orange and a fuzzy grapefruit red. A dusty sunburned color washes the room in tired, fading light. It’s been a long day. The locks slide and click until the whoosh of the door makes kitty lift her head with anticipation, waiting for the intruder to appear.
A pair of sneakers squeak across the foyer and into the dining room before getting kicked off under the table. Keys, a couple books, and a heavy bag fall onto the oak table with clumsy thuds. A jacket falls across the back of the nearest chair before the socks make their way into the kitchen, nearly knocking a calendar filled with cat pictures off the wall. The refrigerator door opens, cooling the tile as cheese, bread, mayo, sprouts, cucumbers, and tomato make their way onto the counter two at a time. Hearing the fuss, the cat meows hellos as she jumps up onto the stove by the cutting board, looking for something that might be worth stealing.
Careful hands cut the fruits and spread the thin layers across mayo-lathered slices of wheat bread, swiss cheese and sprouts are stacked on top of each colorful pile, gracefully constructing a perfectly symmetrical sandwich. Unimpressed, the carnivorous prowler trots off. Without cleaning up, the sandwich and a bag of chips are carried into the living room and set up on the coffee table in front of the couch. A careful hand finds the bottom round of the small pooch starting to form below her belly button, pressing down on the sharp cramp, trying to steady herself. Each day on the wall calandar has a number next to "week" and "day," written in green. The first couple days are crossed out in red, making "Week 8, Day 4" the first visible event scrawled out and surrounded by little hearts.
She finds the stereo remote and tunes in to country. The vintage brown sofa sighs as she settles into the corduroy cushions and garage sale pillows. The cat comes meowing, making room for herself on the armrest. A song about love is wailing through the speakers– stay with me...– she mouths the words in between bites. Share all your secrets tonight... She puts the sandwich down; her face is pale, her hands shaky. We can make believe... She stands up, her feet heavy against the faded carpet. ...the morning sun never will rise... The room slants a little, moving too quickly. Her knee buckles, smashing into the arm of the couch, waking up the lazy cat. Come and lay your head... Her hands on the afghan, she straightens her back with a strained squeak. On this big brass bed... She stops moving, her head bowed, looking down at her stomach. And we’ll be all right, as long as you stay with me... Her hand moves the shirt and cups the curve, cradling it as she rubs soft circles over the firm skin.
Color comes back into her cheeks as she takes slow, steady steps to the kitchen. She reaches up into the cabinet but her arm shoots back down as her eyebrows huddle together and tears begin to grow in the soft pink of her eyes. She leans over the counter, holding onto it, letting it hold her up. She takes a deep breath and then some short ones, then another deep breath. The living room has gotten dark, the light fading into something closer to a quiet, heavy blue.
Her hands doing what legs should do alone, help her move from the kitchen, through the living room, down the hall, and into the bathroom. The stained wooden toilet seat cover slams into the porcelain tank. A little bell comes bouncing into the bathroom around a curious little neck that meows and whines little protests at all the commotion. The young woman’s face wrinkles and weathers as her heartbeat pulses through her body, making her face red and warm. She takes her position over the water bowl, one hand holding her hair in a fist behind her head as the other blindly searches the counter for a hair-tie.
When her hair is wildly contained on the tail of her crown, her body bends forward, hands bracing her between the counter and the wall. There is a long silence before the muscles in her face relax and she sits clumsily on the edge of the tub, her breathing once again forced. As her butt reaches for enough tub to sit on, something sharp pulls her hands back to the sacred mound, and in slow motion, her jeans hit the hollow tub. Her eyelids are closed down onto each other, perspiring at their edges. As she opens them, a dark brown stain comes into focus on her lap. The light blue of her loose jeans is being attacked by a growing ink puddle, leaking from the crossroads at the top of her thighs.
Her whole body shakes as her fingers fumble with the button and zipper at her tummy. Soft heaves rush out of her mouth with a quickening pace, broken words of denial and prayer escape in whispers. As she manages the soiled pants to the bathroom floor, pulling socks and underwear with them, she moves sideways into the tub, letting the bright red blood drip onto the daisy pattern of the tub mat. The whispers become coherent NO’s and the tears become streams, streaking across her splotchy red face. Her arms are wrapped around her middle, holding herself in shivering straight jacket. She leans forward, her head between her bent knees, and her face drips with saliva, snot, and tears.
Bright red lines crawl slowly toward the drain, littered with bits of gauzy tissue. As her sobs get louder, her body trembles and spasms, pushing out bigger globs of bloody gel. A wail escapes her lips with high pitched pain. She leans back, her hands grasping hard to her little round belly, and a dark crimson stains the pool as her body gives birth to a broken pile of chunky jelly.
The cat darts from the reverberating screams, hiding behind the somber couch. The music drowns out the shrieks as they subside into low sobs. Another love song passes through the speakers, permeating the room. From the white, antiseptic glow of the bathroom light, the shadows of the cozy little living room shrink into dark corners as the cat yawns, lays her head on her paws, and perks her ears. I’m gonna love you... forever and ever... forever and ever, amen...
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brokensyllables's journal
amazed